I come here to talk about how I feel and not have to choose who listens.  I don’t know how to reach out to friends.  I can’t even reach out to my boyfriend…I’ve just had such bad experience with sharing my emotions.  I feel like no one ever wishes to hear it, that I’m just burdening them with needless words..but I feel so alone when I’m scared or upset.  As I lay in bed, mind thinking as it always does, I find myself slipping in and out of total despair.  I just want to be comfortable with who I am and where I am in my life.  I want to be more accepting.

But I’m lying, because I don’t just want anything.  There’s a fucking list of wants that I’d argue are actually needs.

I keep feeling like I need to fix my mind, my brain, the way I think.  I fixed my perspective, but still…I never feel like I have anything to say or anything interesting to share.  Ever.  ”I have lost myself and I need to find me, help!”  I feel like asking everyone who stands alone in the darkest hour…but they have also lost themselves, some within a mirror, others within a passing sigh.

I’m trying to find things I am interested in, other things.  Obviously I’m interested in art.   And nature.  Where have I gone? I don’t know why I’ve lost myself, but it must have been in that haze of depersonalization that I had lived in for so long.

How do you ask someone to listen to you speak about things that hurt to even think about?

lundibix:

This is by far one of the most important things I’ve seen on tumblr because It describes things I was not able to

things we are trying to do all the time:

• 1. be safe

things we can’t help but do all the time:

• 1. second-guess ourselves
• 2. behave impulsively and…

I’m losing weight really swiftly.  4 pounds this week, and possibly more as I feel even lighter.  It’s hard for me to eat and I can’t carry my portfolio and art bin even halfway to school without gasping like a fish and struggling to stay conscious.  Too weak too quickly.  It must be the Vyvanse.  I need to figure out how to best this lack of appetite.  I’ve been trying to eat regularly and eat full meals, but it’s not really doing much and is tedious as fuck.

Saying “I love you” is so very, very difficult to do… I can’t get my voice to follow through.  I’m too nervous; the feeling is too real, too serious.

Tears? The fuck? Why?  I’m not even sad at all!  Just a little nervous.  Everything has been so great and deep I keep thinking I’m done with this blog, that I cannot bring myself to type in here anymore.  Right now, I just feel like I could be consumed by all that swirls within me, and I really don’t want to be just bobbing away in the center of it all. But then I have to embrace this feeling anyway because I won’t ever just stop thinking about something.  Obsessive thought doesn’t allow it.

Right now, I feel as if multiple levels of consciousness are bubbling around, sifting and surging around me, making myself some bobbing, rickety ship in a ever-changing great sea.  It feels like I have multiple thoughts at once, multiple feelings.  I feel both charged to do things, and I don’t want to do them at all.  I feel both sides of the sword, and all around it as well, all at the same time…  I feel crazed.  I feel like I’m splitting.

My head is tingling and has been for a while.  I feel so strange, so strange, so strange… I’m going to take my Vyvanse now…  enough of this…  I don’t like how this feels.  I can only think that it means that my characteristics of D.I.D. within my D.D.N.O.S. are starting to bud and spike and sprout lungs.

I hope I’m wrong.  That’d be nice.